This article is a translation of an original piece I wrote in Japanese, rendered into English using ChatGPT. As such, there may be expressions that differ from native usage or deviate slightly from my original intent. I appreciate your understanding in advance.
Author: Professional Counselor Hideyuki Ikeuchi
Hello. I’m Hideyuki Ikeuchi, a counselor.
“Self-Sacrifice and Love” — This is a theme that is always present in the background when discussing issues related to human relationships, family dynamics, romance, and marriage.
Self-sacrifice
The “self” in self-sacrifice does not refer to one’s true self.
In this context, “self” refers to the values, habits, thought patterns, and ways of perceiving that one has learned or been conditioned into from the outside, which have become so ingrained that they feel like part of oneself.
Self-sacrifice, then, does not mean acting in accordance with these conditioned or imposed parts of the self—which are not truly one’s own—but rather, sacrificing them in order to relate to others or situations from a place of genuine human feeling and inner awareness. This inner experience is often expressed as “one’s heart” or “goodwill.”
These internalized external influences—the learned values and perceptions—are not the true self, and can also be referred to as the “ego.”
Here, “ego” carries the meaning of being self-centered or self-serving.
To understand self-sacrifice more clearly, it may help to think of it instead as “ego-sacrifice.”
In self-sacrifice, what is being sacrificed is not one’s genuine heart or goodwill, but rather the ego—what has been adopted or imposed from the outside and mistaken for the self.
During a study tour I joined in 2007 at an addiction treatment facility in the U.S., a lecturer explained ego as “trying to look good.”
In that sense, self-sacrifice can be seen as the act of sacrificing the self that tries to look good.
This way of putting it might also make the concept easier to grasp.
Love
There are many interpretations and explanations of love.
In the context of self-sacrifice and the ego, love refers to the goodwill directed toward others or beings that arises naturally from within—a felt sense that emerges without needing to be reasoned out. It comes from the authentic, human part of oneself and is accompanied by physical sensations and feelings such as “I want to do this,” “I feel this way,” or “I think this,” that arise spontaneously and genuinely from within.
Self-sacrifice and love are two sides of the same coin.
An ego-driven, self-centered way of relating that ignores the other person’s position or needs may result in external outcomes like helping others or gaining social approval, and while this may satisfy the ego, it doesn’t necessarily fulfill the true needs of the other person.
Even when someone’s practical needs are met, if the experience involves not being treated with human respect, it is difficult to feel genuinely satisfied or joyful.
Moreover, if one helps or tries to bring happiness to another out of a sense of duty, obligation, or responsibility—while sacrificing their own true heart and goodwill as a human being—what happens if that person ends up emotionally drained or unhappy?
Would the person being helped be able to truly feel joy, relief, or a sense of safety?
Therefore, true self-sacrifice is not about being self-centered, but about acting with consideration for the other person’s position and interests. And for that, love is essential.
Depending on the situation, self-sacrifice may involve prioritizing the other person’s benefit over your own practical gain. However, for it to truly be considered self-sacrifice, it must come from a place where you are able to sustain and fulfill yourself with what you already possess.
If, by prioritizing the other person’s needs, you end up depleted, have your values trampled, or are denied benefits you have a right to receive, then this is no longer self-sacrifice—it becomes mere sacrifice, even self-destruction.
If you realize this along the way, it’s important to shift toward a way of helping or cooperating that does not lead to your own depletion.
And if it’s difficult to make that shift on your own, it’s crucial to reach out to a trusted third party or a professional, such as a counselor, to first take care of yourself.
There are also people who take advantage of others’ self-sacrifice.
There are people in the world who, acting entirely out of self-interest, exploit others’ motivation and goodwill for their own advantage—prioritizing their own gain and viewing such exploitation as natural or justified.
Even if your actions stem from genuine goodwill, if the other person harbors bad intentions, you can still end up being exploited.
When the other person does not respect you, or when the terms of an agreement or relationship are unequal, no matter how well-meaning your intentions, this is not self-sacrifice—it is simply sacrifice or even self-destruction.
Especially concerning are those who, in pursuit of power, money, status, or pleasure—things they deeply value—have no qualms about harming others. These individuals often create narratives to justify their values and behavior, imposing obligations on those acting self-sacrificingly, or shifting blame onto them when things go wrong to avoid taking responsibility themselves.
In such cases, it’s essential to take a stand: to not allow yourself to be exploited, to assert your rights, and to act in ways that protect them.
If the other party still refuses to change, then protecting yourself may require changing the relationship, creating distance, or ending the relationship altogether.
Some may call the continued involvement in such dynamics “self-sacrifice,” but that is not accurate—it is merely sacrifice. It may reflect a misunderstanding of what healthy relationships look like or a lack of experience in valuing and protecting oneself. In such cases, it might be necessary to learn and practice how to care for oneself more intentionally.
A perspective that invites us to reflect on how we treat others.
When you find yourself doing something for another person and it feels painful or causes you suffering, it can be revealing to carefully examine whether it is your ego that is suffering—or your true self as a human being.
If it is your ego that is suffering, then it may be an opportunity to step away from self-centeredness and listen to your inner voice. Embracing this discomfort as part of a process of inner growth and maturity can lead to a transformation in how you relate to situations, how you think and behave, and even how you live your life. It may be the right time to cultivate ways of being that honor the human rights of both yourself and others—something everyone inherently has the capacity for.
On the other hand, if your authentic human self is the one in pain, then this is no longer self-sacrifice—it is simply sacrifice, a form of self-abuse.
If you realize this, it’s time to change how you are helping or what you are doing for the other person.
In either case, throughout the process, don’t forget to care for yourself and meet your own needs in healthy, compassionate ways.
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